Concerns - "Lost History" and Writing in General

"The Lost History of Sathyriel" is finished, at least as far as a first draft goes. I am trying to work on editing it. I thought this was going to be the easy part. This was generally the case when I was writing non-fiction pieces on animation for one of my many fake jobs. Getting the rough, awkward first draft out was the hard part. Editing it, refining it, shortening it to fit the required word length was simpler and more enjoyable. For some reason, I couldn't seem to write anything without putting out a first draft, being completely unhappy with it, scrapping most of it, and writing something better. But I guess there's a difference between writing and editing a one to five page non-fiction article over a couple of days with clear key points that had to be hit and writing and editing a 44 page fiction story where the first draft alone was written over the course of several months with no guidelines, no particular goal in mind aside from telling the story. A pretty big difference.

I don't know what I ultimately want to do with "The Lost History of Sathyriel", or even "The Last Battle". I've thought about the possibility of publication, but I have a lot of doubts about it. It's hard for me to even consider showing it to people I know, let alone total strangers. I'm not confident that it's worth publishing. I'm highly aware that the whole thing - "Lost History", "Last Battle", and whatever else comes out of this concept - is based off of a story that I've been kicking around for probably over ten years, and that does not necessarily mean it's a good story. I'm very self conscious about the fact that the main character is pretty much an idealized version of me.

I feel like I really need a fresh pair of eyes on the story. I need someone to tell me what's working, what isn't, whether "Lost History" even makes sense on its own (because I don't know if or when "Last Battle" will be complete), whether it's worth pursuing. I managed to convince myself while I was writing that the important thing was just to get it out, not to worry about its quality or worthiness. But now that it's out, I just don't feel like there's anything compelling me to stay with it. There's no touchstone, no one part I can look at and say "that's what everything else needs to be like."

There are some problems that I'm aware of. I'm currently looking at the first segment, the one I wrote last year, and what's jumping out at me most is Talshak. I don't feel like I have a good handle on him and who he is. What is he like and why is he that way? How did he and his clan end up allying themselves with Keltaria in the first place? What are his ultimate goals? He's obviously quite brutal and sadistic with his enemies, but how is he with people serving under him? With his own clan? Is he overconfident? Willfully ignorant? Smart? Slightly insane? It's not stuff that's necessarily going to be in the finished story, but I feel like I need to figure it out for him to feel real and consistent.

My bigger problem, though, is the question I keep coming back to: why am I doing this? Why do I want to write? I heard it suggested that for both writing and any other art, there's either a kind of pure, raw need to write independent of any outside influence or a baser, crasser, desire to be published, make money, gain fame and fortune. I've felt both of these things on occasion, but neither lasts long enough or stays strong enough to keep me going through a slump. Anne Lamott talks about writing as a gift to someone you care about. I, meanwhile, am afraid that nothing I write is good enough to share with those people. Ultimately, though a inner urge to take what's inside of you and make it exist independent of you can spark it, I believe that all creativity is a form of communication. And my biggest problem has always been believing that the things I am writing now are worth communicating. There are a lot of other concerns hanging over me right now, the biggest probably being the house being a continued mess. Compared to these concerns, or more enjoyable pursuits like video games, writing seems like a waste of time.

This is more me thinking out loud than coming to some kind of morose conclusion. I do want to keep writing. I just don't know how I'm going to do it and feel like it's worthwhile beyond just imposing some kind of purpose on my life.